


how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist

by mumblingmaria



Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: F/M, Pregnancy, spoilers for the finale
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-12
Updated: 2018-03-12
Packaged: 2019-03-30 11:41:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,548
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13950837
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mumblingmaria/pseuds/mumblingmaria
Summary: What do you do when your life completely changes? How do you decide what to do next? And what if it happens again? Hera used to keep up with the galaxy spinning around her, all her plans laid out in the fashion she needed them to be. But after Kanan returns from Mandalore, there's a shift she couldn't have predicted. How do you keep up with changes that come faster with every breath taken?





	how rare and beautiful it truly is that we exist

**Author's Note:**

> Normally I put my author notes at the end of the story, I prefer writing them like afterthoughts. This time is different. 
> 
> This fic is may be the most personal thing I've ever written and shared. Up until actually posting this, I wasn't sure if I would. I knew that I needed to write this to sort out all my thoughts about Hera's pregnancy, I just wasn't sure if I wanted to then share it. 
> 
> I am not a fan of the trope "widow with a (surprise) baby". It rarely is about the woman and always about the guy who died and how the baby is such a beautiful reminder of him. That was the last thing I wanted for Hera. I won't say that's what we 100% got but it's there and it left me incredibly uncomfortable. I needed to come up with a scenario that made this whole thing make sense to me and so in the future, when Rebels is a little less raw and painful for me to watch, I can just enjoy the story and accept what I didn't love about.
> 
> It's been a week now since the finale and I can say my feelings aren't quite as negative as they initially were. But it all led to this story, I needed to know where I stood and how I felt. I needed to sort out what I had been projecting onto Hera, what was there in canon, and what that all meant. So this happened. It was incredibly hard to write. I cried a lot. I felt a little sick. But it's here.
> 
> And I'm posting it because if it helps one other person feel better, than that's worth it.

Kanan’s face was pressed into her neck as his body slowly stopped shaking in the aftermath of his orgasm. Hera was breathing deeply, her head pressing against his. They hadn’t made it to her bunk, the climb up was too much to attempt when they had been fumbling with each other’s bodies. They ended up with her pressed against the wall, her legs wrapped around him. There hadn’t even been time to get all their clothing off; her shirt was open but still on, her bra was simply pushed up off of her breasts. His shirt had been discarded but his pants and underwear had only been shoved down enough for his cock to be out.

Neither had wanted to wait for the nicety of properly undressing.

He was still in her when they both had their breathing under control. He lifted his head and pressed his lips against hers. She held onto him, afraid to let go just yet. Not ready for this to end. But, when he pulled away, she said, “I need to be put down.”

“Right.”

She unwrapped her legs and shivered when Kanan slipped out of her, she immediately regretted the loss of him. His hands slid across her thighs up to her waist as he lowered her so that her feet were touching the floor. He bent down to kiss her again before taking a step back. After pulling his underwear up, his hands went to his pants and stopped, it was clear that he was trying to figure out what was next.

“Can I sleep here?” His question was timid. It was filled with a hope for a time she had put behind them years ago. He was facing her, every inch of his body opened up to her. Hera swallowed and readjusted her bra. “It’s getting late. And, it would be nice.”

“I actually had a couple of things I wanted to look over before I went to bed,” Hera muttered in reply. She zipped her shirt up and then reached down for her underwear.

“I can wait for you,” he said. How easy it was for him to just say things like that. She looked up at him before turning to look for her pants. He hadn’t started to redress yet. There was too much of him exposed that she wanted to take. “I don’t mind.”

“I don’t know how long I’ll be.”

“It’s not a problem.”

“Kanan.” It came out harsh, it often did when they found themselves here. She could almost feel him tensing up behind her as one leg stepped into her pants, and then the other. Once they were over her hips and belted, she turned to look at him. He _was_ tense now. His brows were knitted together. “No.”

He nodded. He adjusted himself and finally pulled his pants all the way up before beginning to searching for his shirt. Hera moved to help him but stopped when he turned his face to her. No, he wasn’t going to accept help from her with her kicking him out. So instead, she picked up her vest and worked at getting that on.

“Damn it!” It wasn’t quite yelled, but the pain and anger in Kanan’s voice was clear. Whirling back to him, Hera thought that this outburst must have been because he couldn’t find the shirt, even after all this time there were still days where he'd become so frustrated with his blindness he'd snap. But there it was in his hand, his fist was squeezing the fabric until his knuckles started to pale. “Hera, I can’t keep doing this.”

He rubbed his eyes with his free hand and turned to face her. It felt as though he was peering into her, his grey and useless eyes somehow still seeing every aspect of her. Hera swallowed again, her mouth and throat dry, and waited for him to continue. She didn’t trust her voice not to break.

“You know how I feel, I’ve never kept that a secret,” he said. He stayed in the corner of the room he found his shirt in, next to the worktable. She had ended up next to the ladder to her bunk, as though the galaxy was trying to offer it as some sort of promise of escape from this conversation. “But I can’t keep waiting for the moments when this is convenient for you to pursue.” He gestured between them, his shirt waving with the motion.

“Kanan…”

“I’ll wait for you, for whenever you’re ready for all of it. But, I can’t just stand here and pretend like this isn't killing me. Hera, I love you too much to act like I don’t want this intimacy all the time.” His voice lowered as he spoke, shaky and lacking of it usual strength. “Figure out where you stand, because this can’t happen again until you do.”

She took a step forward but Kanan was already pulling his shirt on over his head and heading out of the cabin. Hera stood, alone, in the her room. The paintings on its surfaces, each one a gift to make a cold and uniform space come alive, couldn’t bring any warmth to her now. She stared at the door and tried to make sense of the storm inside her heart.  
  


Everything changed when Kanan had left for Mandalore. Yes, they had spent time apart from each other before. The separation when he had gone to Malachor had been beyond painful. It wasn't the amount of time he was gone but the why he had left (and the how he had returned) that had been so painful. This time, though, it had soon become clear to the both of them that in the almost decade they had known each other that this would be the longest they had been apart. Over a month apart was too long to fathom, yet somehow they had managed it.

Kanan had felt the separation first, he always did. Whenever he could get away with it, he found the time to contact her to give updates on the situation. He’d try and talk casually when he could and she had been grateful for it, she had missed him immediately. But neither of them had really had the time to talk beyond the topic of Madanlore's liberation.

She had wanted nothing more than to haul up in the _Ghost_ for a day and just talk to him. One day to pretend that they weren’t in the war. It had been a long time since she had genuinely felt that way, more often than not everything made her only want to fight harder. But this had been new—this absence.

So, when he had come back, things weren’t the same. At first, they were. Seeing Kanan, Ezra, Chopper, and, especially, Sabine had revitalized her. She had missed them all so much and having her whole family back meant everything. They fell back into routine; immediately on a mission that got out of hand but ultimately held a success.

But Kanan was watchful. He was hovering. The whole time they were on the _Ghost_ , waiting for their chance to help Ezra and Sabine, Hera could feel his presence. Could feel his focus zeroed in on her. In the hours of waiting, she held his attention whether she meant to or not.

Back on the base, after their debriefing, Kanan and Hera had gone back to the ship alone. Zeb had gone to give the others a tour of the base. Kanan had joked saying there wouldn’t be much for him to see and would rather be reacquainted with his bunk. They had all laughed. Kanan had never made it to his bunk.

It wasn’t the only time since his arrival on Yavin IV that they had had sex. And she wasn’t always the one to instigate it. They both kept searching each other out when there was time, which wasn’t as much of as Hera found herself wishing there was. But, they still weren’t on the same page. Kanan was where he always was: he’d give her everything if she asked, he loved her completely. Hera didn’t know where she was. She knew how deeply her feelings ran for him, and she was sure Kanan knew this as well, even if the words never passed her lips. But what did she want? In an ideal world, they would be together with not anxieties about what that meant. That wasn’t the world they were in, though. Even after a decade, Hera wasn’t sure she knew how to juggle her responsibilities and wanting Kanan.

But as they had kept going, the more complicated it had gotten. Kanan was opening up to her more and more, and she just kept shutting doors. It had been a couple weeks now since he had walked out of her cabin. And they hadn’t had sex again. They were back to where they were the moment before he had left for Mandalore—comfortable and caring but only just within reach of each other—and she found she missed him again. Hera started to linger outside his door but never going in.

He was right, she needed to know where she stood before seeking him out. She owed him that much, at least.

  


“You’re pregnant, Captain Syndulla,” the medical droid stated before looking down at the datapad in hand.

Hera’s ears started to ring. Her only thought was, _I should sit down before I faint_ , but then she remembered that she was already sitting.

“What?”

“You’re pregnant. The nausea you have been experience is in result of that. You’re perfectly healthy, otherwise,” the droid said. It hadn’t looked up from the datapad, clearly a little bored with the conversation. The Rebellion hadn’t ever had the best luck finding medical droids with good bedside manners. After a beat, it added, “Congratulations.”

“How?” Hera whispered. She was staring across the medbay. There was a pilot in a bed towards the back of the room, asleep and recovering. An officer was sitting next to the bed, their focus was on their unconscious friend. Maybe they were lovers. She felt sick again. “I didn’t think…”

“As is often the case in such surprises, it would appear,” it replied. Hera snapped over to the droid, shocked by its bluntness. They really did need new droids here. “Though, I imagine what you meant was that you didn’t think it was possible to conceive, or at least that it was unlike enough. The odds were against it, but there was always a chance.”

“Oh.” It was all she could manage.

“You’re nearing three weeks now,” the droid said. “Everything is in order.”

She nodded. The medical droid nodded its head in response before moving off to check on the other patient. It must have picked up that Hera needed a moment to think. It was rude, but it knew how to do its job.

“ _Captain Syndulla, Senator Mothma is ready to start the briefing,_ ” Erskin’s voice said, coming through her comlink almost the moment she was alone. She stared down at her hip and frowned. Briefing? What briefing? “ _Antilles’ squadron is ready to head out once you’re here._ ”

Right, Wedge was being given his first stab at leading a squadron. That was today. Hera slid off of the exam table and nodded to the droid again. It waved a hand lazily in response. She grabbed her comlink and confirmed she was on her way.

The walk to the briefing room was over before Hera even realized she had left the medbay. She stood in the doorway for a minute, watching the group around the holotable wait for her. It was just another day for them. No one in that room knew just how much the galaxy had suddenly changed. All that mattered to them was the fight.

Hera took her place around the table, offering a quick apology to the group for making them wait. Mon Mothma began, explaining to Wedge what his mission was. As the senator spoke, Ezra moved around the table to come stand next to Hera.

She didn’t question him being here, Ezra had been attending every briefing he was allowed into, whether he was called for the mission or not. Every meeting he waited for news that they would be headed to Lothal, that soon they would be helping his people. They both hoped it would be any day now. Hera reached over and squeezed his shoulder. He smiled at her before turning back to focus on what was being said around them.

Half listening to everything being discussed, Hera stared down at the round table in front of her. She looked up when Ezra nudged her, bringing her attention back to the present. She answered whatever question was asked and tried to ignore the worry on Ezra’s face. She wasn’t sure how she managed to accept the reconnaissance mission her team was assigned, she was going to have to get Chopper to grab all the details for her before they left.

“Hera, are you okay?” Ezra asked once they had all been dismissed. Wedge walked by, saluting the two of them as he headed out of the room. Hera saluted back. “You seem distracted.”

“I’m a little under the weather, that’s all,” she answered. She started for the exit once the majority of the group had left. Ezra fell into step beside her, the concern still permeating from him. “I just need to sit down for a bit.”

“Maybe you should go to the medbay,” he said.

“I was just there, that’s how I know I’m fine,” she said. She offered him a smile before pushing him ahead of her. “Come on, let’s not wait around here anymore. We need to prep to leave before the day is over.”

Ezra sighed but let her pick up their pace. She shook her head as they walked. When did he start getting so insightful? She watched him lead them out, waving at the people he knew who they passed. Soon, they were at their ship, Kanan waiting outside for them.

Hera faltered in her steps but recovered quickly. Kanan smiled down at them when they stopped in front of him. Then it faded. He turned to Hera, his brows furrowing.

“I need to go lie down for a bit,” Hera blurted out. “Then we have to get ready for a recon mission. Ezra, could you get Chopper up to speed for me?” She smiled at the two with her before walking up the ramp, not waiting for a response. She heard Ezra ask Kanan if she was okay when she reached the ladder to the cockpit. She had started climbing the ladder when Kanan called after her. She had just left the cockpit, standing between their quarters, when he caught up to her.

“Hera,” he said, taking hold of her arm. She let him turn her around but she couldn’t look up at his face. “What’s wrong?”

Hera shook her head but didn’t say anything. She could just say she was under the weather and nothing was wrong but she wouldn’t keep this from him. She wasn’t up for the lie.

“Do you want to go to your cabin?” Kanan asked. He took a step forward, his other hand reaching up to rest on her cheek.

“No!” She looked up at him. No, she didn’t want him in there. Not after… Not with what it had led to. “No, let’s go to yours. It’s more comfortable.”

He nodded and turned to his door. Hitting the release, he steered her into the room. Hera walked over to the bunk, sitting on the lower level. Kanan hesitated but sat down next to her after she patted the cushion. Her hands were folded in her lap and she was staring at them.

“Hera…”

“I’m pregnant.”

She felt him stiffen next to her. She looked up at him and found his eyes wide. She reached over and took his hand, squeezing it. She didn’t know if that was to help keep herself grounded or him. She felt light headed again, grateful to already be sitting.

“How… I thought that…” Kanan trailed off.

Hera let out a small laugh before shutting her eyes. She rubbed a hand against them, trying to hold off the tears threatening to escape. “You know, I had the same reaction.” He squeezed her hand in return. Lifting her face, Hera watched him. He was turned away, his would-be gaze on the far wall.

“What are you thinking?” she asked in a whisper. “I need you to tell me.”

“We didn’t plan for this,” he answered. He turned back to her, his face unreadable. Or, perhaps it was too easy to read. Everything he was feeling was written across it and she couldn’t keep up. He stroked her cheek with his free hand before resting it on top of their joined ones. “I really don’t know what to think right now.”

“What do you want to do?” Hera inched closer to him, her knees pressing against his leg now. Why had they sat so far apart? They were going to need each other to get through this, it was the only way—together.

“I never pictured myself having kids,” Kanan said. His voice was just as quiet as hers. It was silent around them, the whole ship was holding its breath to give them this moment. “It wasn’t a life I was raised to have, and when that life was taken from me it just never occurred to me I had the option to imagine a future like this. But, I could do it. If you decided that this is what you wanted. If you want to keep the baby, I would gladly live that life.”

She nodded. Tears were sliding down her cheeks now, she wasn’t sure when she lost control of them. Wiping her left cheek, she laughed again. “You’re terrible with babies.”

Kanan laughed in response. “I really am. But I’d learn.”

“You’d better. I saw you holding, for lack of a better word, one of those babies you and Ahsoka had saved,” she said. She leaned over, resting her cheek on his shoulder. “It looked like you thought the baby would break.”  
  
“Thankfully everyone else was there to ensure I did no harm to the kid.” She couldn’t see his face anymore but she could hear the smile in his voice. His lips pressed against her head, she could just feeling it through her flight cap. “You know, you’ll have help no matter what you choose to do.”

“I should hope so,” Hera said. She looked up and poked his chest. “You’re not getting out of any of this.”

“I didn’t just mean me,” Kanan said. His smile was still on his face. His eyes just missed hers but it felt as though he was seeing her in her entirety. “Everyone would help us. Zeb, the kids. Maybe even Chopper, that might take some convincing.” He let go of her hand and brushed away another tear that spilled over her cheek.

“We won’t be doing this alone, Hera.”

“If we do this, Ezra wouldn’t be the baby anymore,” she said, rushed. She looked away from him, unable to look at the earnest hope for their future on his face. It scared her, knowing how much things were going to change.

“He’s not really anymore, as it is.”

“No…”

Silence took over the room. What more could they say? She felt words rising from her chest but she didn’t know how to say them. Would trying to say them now feel hollow? Would it feel like she was trying to convince him of what to do here? She didn’t know what she wanted yet. 

Leaning forward, Kanan waited for her to meet him halfway before kissing her. When they broke apart, he wrapped his arms around her. “We’ve got each other, okay? We’ll figure this out.”

Hera smiled, burying her face in the crook of his neck.

 _Together._  
  


Yavin IV was quiet for once. The base was between large missions; a recon mission heading out, perhaps, but nothing major had happened in days. The meeting that was letting out now had been short, the shortest Hera could remember being at in a long time. Especially since it had been set up by intelligence.

She stood outside the room, discussing with Kallus the last mission she and Zeb had gone on as the room emptied. They stepped aside as General Draven walked out, a curt nod of his head directed at them. Hera resisted a sarcastic salute, her disdain for the man often making her want to act out, to embody the mannerisms of another now gone. Cassian Andor followed, stopping briefly to actually speak with them.

How large this rebellion was getting, it was hard to remember when she was travelling alone trying to fight an empire. They walked through the halls of the base as she headed for the hangar. Kallus parted ways with her when they neared the mess hall. She continued onward. People waved and saluted at her. She respond in kind.

She wanted to sit down, her feet were swollen and her back was aching.

“There’s some meiloorun in the galley, if you want it,” Zeb told her as she walked up the access ramp into the _Ghost_. He waited for her to go up the ladder first, following only once she was through the hatchway. She knew he was being protective—ready to catch her if she slipped—that in his mind someone had to now.

“I think I’ll pass for now,” Hera answered. She walked over to the pilot’s seat and lowered herself into it. She swivelled back to Zeb and smiled. “The thought of eating meiloorun still makes me a little nauseous. I’d rather wait until this is all done, I don’t want to ruin my favourite fruit.”

Zeb laughed. He stood near the hatchway, not leaving to go do whatever he should be doing right now. Hera turned to the console in front of her and sighed. She fired up the computer. The sound of the hatch opening and closing behind her filled the cockpit. She didn’t mind his hovering, she rarely wanted to be alone now. But she felt guilty sometimes, she didn’t want Zeb to feel like she was a burden to carry. She could carry herself just fine.

There was a quick press from inside her stomach and Hera looked down. She still wasn’t used to seeing the swell of her stomach. Six months in and there were still days she’d wake up surprised by it all.

“Probably just gas,” she muttered. She leaned forward to press any of the buttons on the console, to start working on something. But her hand hovered for a moment before she let it drop uselessly.

There was really nothing to work on right now. Not even she could find something to pretend needed work. She looked out the viewport at the base around her ship and sighed again. It really was a slow day. No one was running around the landing zone. She could see Wedge making his way over to his x-wing, but there wasn’t any rush to the group of pilots. Hera thought that maybe it was Hobbie walking next him.

Normally, she’d dread this. Quiet days led more often than she liked to tears. With nothing to distract her, the pain of everything she’d lost would crawl up out of her. All that crying, blurring her vision, would make the next day almost impossible to see. And if she couldn’t see it, how would she possibly get there?

Today, however, she didn’t mind the quiet.

Again, there was pressure inside her stomach. Hera placed a hand on it. Maybe it wasn’t just gas.

A smile she didn't know she was wearing faded as she watched the group of x-wings take off, five in total. Would they all come back? Would the Rebellion by the end of this day be in need of five new pilots?

Quiet days left her with unquiet thoughts.

Hera stood up. After shutting down the computer, she made her way out of the cockpit. Meiloorun wasn’t an option, but there had to be something in the galley she could stomach. The hall from the cockpit felt long today. She hurried through it, ignoring the emptiness around her. She wondered when Sabine, still on Lothal (though she had mentioned that she wanted to head to Mandalore soon), would feel ready to come back to the ship. Hera wasn’t used to so few people onboard.

Once in the common room, with a bowl of cold noodles from the night before, she sat in the large wooden chair next to the table. Curling her feet up next to her, Hera looked around the room. Hope was painted across the walls, a brightness she was sure that couldn’t be found anywhere in the galaxy. But there were memories here, etched into every surface.

Some days were too much, too hard bear. Those memories would weigh down, trying the draw her into a past she could never reach.

She missed them. Too often Hera would find herself expecting the two of them to come running back onto the _Ghost_ , laughing about some impossible feat they had achieved together. Always together, even at the end. Four years had not been enough time. She would give anything to change what had happened, to find a way to have saved everyone. Wasn’t she supposed to be the leader? Shouldn’t she had led the charges, not watch from behind, useless?

She knew she’d keep on fighting, there was never any doubt there. But there were times when all she wanted to do was turn her back on the galaxy that continued to take and take from her. What if tomorrow it decided there was something else it could take? She rested a hand on her stomach, the other holding the forgotten bowl of noodles.

A third push in her stomach came and she smiled. Already, this baby was not going to let her off the hook. She should have figured as much, she had no time for that kind of thinking from others.

Hera knew she would never turn her back on the galaxy. No matter what it took from her, she wouldn’t stop trying to add to the life she had and the lives of those she loved. And now, especially. She had to make sure that there would be a galaxy worthwhile for her child to grow up in.

She was going to keep fighting. Fighting for her family. Fighting for what was right. Fighting to make the galaxy one they could live in, be free in.

Her child wasn’t going to be a memory of what was lost. Not a reminder of the past. That wasn’t a life for anyone to live. No, they were going to be the future. They would grow up knowing of what was lost but be able to build on the foundation laid out. Her child was going to be alive and free.

With all of her strength, Hera was going to create a future worth existing in.


End file.
